Rave: A lot of times when we talk about hockey we’re like “Hockey fucking sucks and I hate it,” and “It’s the worst sport” and “The NHL is the worst and everything about it is the worst.” But what I would like is for us to sort of explain to people who don’t watch hockey, uh, what is hockey and why is it worth watching?
So this segment is called Pitch Hockey To Me. And I’m gonna be a billionaire who funds the invention of new sports, and Eva, and Kelly, and Catie, you guys have just come into my gold-paneled office. I’m wearing a black gown, I’m reclining on a tiger-skin-covered throne. And I understand that you have a pitch for me, for this new sport called ice hockey. So, uh, explain this to me. What is this sport?
Kelly: The rare opportunity to experience a figure skater’s id.
Eva: There it is! Done. See ya later. That’s perfect.
Catie: Yup, there we go, that’s our pitch.
Rave: Caw—, Carrie, is that your name? Kerry? I—I can’t, this—this doesn’t really explain to me—I mean, I don’t have any concrete idea of what the sport is. So when you say a figure skater’s id...
Kelly: So take some knives. Put them underneath some shoes.
Rave: Uh-huh, I know what knives are, I know what shoes are.
Kelly: Have them go over fast cold water and into each other like smash smash all the time.
Kelly: Yeah! It’ll be fun.
Eva: It’s gonna be great. We’re gonna give them a weapon though. In their hands as well as on their feet.
Kelly: Yeah, that’s good.
Rave: Well I was gonna ask - ‘cause, if they just have knives on their shoes how can they balance and have a weapon at the same time? ‘Cause they—
Eva: Well they can’t. And that’s where the joy comes in.
Kelly: They fall frequently. It’s comedic! And also strategic.
Rave: I do love it when—If there’s one thing that rich people love it’s when other people fall down so this sounds perfect to me.
Eva: It’s essentially a slapstick comedy for beefcakes. Y’know?
Rave: Now this—okay!
Catie: Yeah. It’s really crucial that the people playing this sport are just—
Catie: Enormous, as enormous as they could possibly be. Because, even though you might think, okay, well if they’re smaller and slight they might have a better chance of balancing their crazy knife shoes, it’s actually the opposite. It’s much more fun for everyone involved if they can’t, and they’re just enormous.
Rave: Now, I love this—
Eva: Like you know when you put, when you put shoes on a dog—
Eva: And it just loses all of its ability to move?
Rave: Yeah, I do that all the time.
Eva: That’s what I wanna do to the big dogs that will be our hockey players, but they’re human men.
[02:36] Kelly: And every team can have like one small one to skate in between the large ones. You know like, you know like—
Eva: One little boy!
Kelly: Like a tiny, tiny little bowling ball in between the large ones. Like just trying to, trying to scoot through.
Kelly: Scoot scoot.
Rave: Uh huh.
Eva: Now what will they be doing, though? They’re going to be trying to put a small little disk—
Rave: A disk!
Catie: Made of rubber.
Eva: Of some sort. It doesn’t matter what—
Rave: A rubber disk?
Catie: A rubber disk, yeah.
Eva: Sure, if you want it to be rubber, you’re the billionaire, baby.
Rave: M’kay. Well I, I just, I assumed it was rubber because I didn’t think that you could get like a metal disk like sliding along the ice. But, uh, why not a ball? Why a little disk?
Kelly: I actually have an answer to that. The answer is: if you have spectators, if you have a ball, that shit’s gonna hit them in the head.
Rave: Go on.
Kelly: If it’s a disk it’ll hit them in the head LESS.
Kelly: That’s the idea behind the disk.
[03:25] Rave: I mean, I would be watching it from a titanium cage anyway, so I assume that anyone who gets hit in the head probably deserved it for being poor, but I, I like the idea, sure. So, can I ask: I hear the word “beefcake” and my heart says “absolutely.” Are they naked? And if not, why not?
Catie: Well… Eh. Spiritually, yes.
Kelly: It’s more of a tantalizing Victorian, um, experience of flesh. What you want is to—
Rave: Huh! Oh. Like a burlesque?
Kelly: Yeah yeah yeah. You want to obscure the body but also offer hints of what could be underneath. So for example, um, say a large beefcake commits a felony upon the ice. We could perhaps put him in a tiny box—
Catie: Like a time out.
Kelly: Like full of—like a little glass box, and—
Rave: [enthusiastically] A glass sin-box?
Kelly: Y’know, like a time out. Yeah, like a sin-box, like a tiny sin-box for sinning boys. And you put him in there, and when he’s in there he’ll remove some of his, uh, articles of clothing.
Kelly: Perhaps to, to tantalize the viewers, um, to give them something while he’s in there for sinning.
[04:29] Eva: Pop that top off.
Rave: Sure, so he goes to the bad boy box...
Rave: And he takes his clothes off and that’s like a regular thing that happens in your sport?
Kelly: Yeah yeah yeah!
Catie: And here’s a real selling point: We’re calling it the Sin Bin.
Rave: The Sin Bin! That’s, so that’s, that’s just something that you guys are saying in here to be funny ‘cause we’re ladies and we think it would be great if it was called the Sin Bin.
Catie: Absolutely not. Absolutely not, no.
Rave: No! Really?
Catie: That is the official name for this tiny glass box for the bad boys.
Rave: Huh! Now, what other, what other terms do you think that an announcer might be able to say in real life about your sport that, that would please me?
Kelly: Um, I really feel that the announcers should say shit like: “Sacrifice the body.”
Kelly: “Use the body.”
Kelly: Yeah. I wanna, I wanna see some of that.
Kelly: I want, I want—when, when one gentleman goes into the ~Sin Bin I would, I would love it for an announcer to say “Calm down, big boy.” Legitimate quote, by the way.
Eva: Yeah, I really want the announcers to CONSTANTLY be drawing attention to the, the bigness of the boys.
Catie: Yes. That is a crucial piece of this sport.
Eva: Not just in their heads and in their hearts but with their mouths into the ears of millions.
[05:36] Eva: Uh, they’re—I mean, you’re also going to have opportunities to say a lot of stuff about the stick.
Rave: The stick.
Catie: Yeah, and the D. The D is very important.
Rave: And the D.
Kelly: Mm-hmm, D. POUND the D. For example.
Rave: So someone could say: “He really plunged his stick into the D.” [inaudible]
Catie: Yeah! Absolutely.
Kelly: Yeah! Yeah yeah yeah!
Rave: Yeah, you could say “He, he slammed, those guys just slammed their two big bodies right into each other—”
Catie: Right into the D, yeah.
Rave: Repeatedly. That’s not very good—That’s, I guess that’s not very good announcing.
Eva: You might, you might, when you’re, when you’re rehashing the game afterwards, you might on social media say that someone has “a little more zip in their stick.”
Rave: You might say “Zip in their stick!” Yeah, you might! You might say that—
Eva: Someone might make fun of that, and then someone might get ban—blocked from your Twitter for it.
Rave: Someone might get blocked by Alan May on Twitter. I don’t know, it could be anyone.
Eva: Everybody who’s been blocked by Alan May on Twitter, raise your hand! It’s half of us.
Rave: Oh, Eva AND Catie got blocked by Alan May on—oh boy.
Kelly: Wow, I feel left out.
Eva: I think we got blocked on the same night.
Catie: We got blocked for the same thing, which was making fun of “zip in his stick.”
[06:38] Eva: Mm-hmm. I was making fun of it with joy in my heart, so I think Alan May is a coward. If you can’t withstand some barbs about your silly word choice then, like, what the fuck are you in hockey for?
Rave: This is why I’m not sure that men are really strong enough to be sports commentators, because they are very sensitive.
Eva: I know! I really think they’re too emotional.
Catie: They’re too emotional. Exactly.
Rave: They’re like completely emotional.
Kelly: But I kind of like their, like, just complete lack of nuance and irony. They don’t seem to understand what they’re saying and this amuses me.
Rave: That’s, just, always, it’s so good.
Eva: It’s kind of endearing.
Catie: I love when they say, “Yeah, he’s really working the D.” And they have no sense, like no self-awareness about it at all.
Rave: “Just a real smooth slide—”
Kelly: Yeah. “Pound the body.” NOTHING.
Rave: “Pound the body,” “Real smooth slide between those thighs…” Sure! Yeah why not!
Rave: Yeah! That’s a real thing that you could say.
Catie: “Hit the five-hole.”
[07:27] Rave: Yeah. Oh yeah, that’s the other thing, between the legs is ~The Five-Hole.
Kelly: Five-hole, mm-hmm.
Eva: There are all kinds of holes, did you know? With numbers?
Rave: There are so many holes!
Eva: I looked this up on Wikipedia ‘cause I was curious, I said: “There’s a five-hole, is there a four-hole?”
Rave: Is it a—is there [inaudible] nine-hole?
Eva: There fucking IS, you guys! There’s a one-two-three-four-five-hole, yeah.
Rave: Is it in each corner? Is—yeah.
Eva: Yeah yeah, it’s like, above your arm, below your arm, over your head...
Kelly: When you have like a practice thing.
Eva: Yeah! Who the fuck knew, man?
Rave: Okay, I think I’m getting the picture, and I, and I love where you’re going with this. Now, um, do you guys—what do you anticipate, uh, are gonna be the drawbacks of this sport?
Eva: Nearly all of it.
Rave: Uh huh.
Eva: Um, there’s going to have to be a weird cultural, uh, implication that anyone who’s not from Canada is somehow garbage...
Rave: Yeah. Uh huh.
Eva: And anyone who is from Canada has to sacrifice the entirety of their personality, any, you know, opinions or thoughts that isn’t “Hockey, good, go.” So, I mean, obviously there is going to be some loss of identity, and some—y’know, let’s, let’s just be honest, xenophobic comments.
Rave: Sure. Oh. Okay.
Eva: But, you know.
Kelly: I mean the repression can be on one half a little bit sensual, you kinda like a little bit of repression in your vibes, but it’s gonna go too far. It’s gonna go too far.
Eva: It’s gonna go too far. And I think that just kind of encapsulates all of the drawbacks. It just—it all goes too far. Hockey has gone too far.
Rave: Just goes too fucking far. Catie, you’ve been a little quiet about the—you have, do you have more confidence in the, in the goodness of the sport?
[09:00] Catie: [laughing] Oh absolutely not, no, no, that is not the source of my silence at all. Um, no, it’s terrible, it’s fully the worst possible thing. Um, but I definitely think you should sink all of your money into it. I have, and I, I regret it every day of my life. But here we are!
Eva: Now, it is obviously going to scramble some eggs in people’s brains, uh, with concussions and traumatic head injury, and I really hope that we don’t take that seriously whatsoever as an organization.
Rave: No. Well, I don’t have that kind of money. So. I have like twelve real gold toilets—
Eva: Yeah. I mean, we will obviously fund them getting injured—
Eva: We will have no time or resources though, to help them out after that.
Catie: Yeah. The recovery is totally out of scope for this project.
Rave: Right. I also do NOT wanna help them once they are retired and in trouble, like if they, like if they have mental problems or like get into drugs, or—
Catie: Oh no, once they’re retired they’re dead to us. Entirely dead to us.
Rave: I—yeah. No, I wanna just, it’s totally hands-off at that point, right?
Eva: Absolutely. Ah, if you need, you know, assistance, if you need someone to talk to, if you have a substance abuse problem, if you have some personal problems, um, I think that our official policy on that should be: FUCK you.
Catie: Take a hike, buddy.
Rave: Yeah! Well—yeah, I’d like, I’d like for people in authority to be like “That really makes you weak and girly.”
Eva: Yeah. Let’s gender it, absolutely.
Rave: Let’s gender it. Please.
[10:18] Eva: Yeah. Y’know.
Rave: Well this is promising! This is really good!
Eva: Sounds great.
Rave: Sounds great, right? So, finally, um: Why is your sport better than the other sports that we already have? What’s the real—
Catie: I’d like to take this one, um, if that’s okay.
Catie: I’m gonna say the romance, is just—the romantic element is just really there, in a way that it’s just not in other sports. It’s something about the repression combined with the sliding around their big bodies together, it just really sparks a special something. In these guys.
Rave: Uh huh.
Rave: I have to say, I think all sports are very romantic… Um.
Catie: It’s true, it’s true. But hockey is THE most romantic, to paraphrase Eva.
Eva: I would like to say that I think that some of that special emotional resonance, uh, it comes from the innate preposterousness of the whole affair.
Kelly: [laughs] Yeah.
Eva: There’s something incredibly preposterous about finding a big solid man and making him balance daintily, but be strong, but have finesse to get a tiny thing into a hole, but also, like, you know, slam something off the boards. It— None of it makes a goddamn lick of sense, and I think that’s really what draws you in. You go “What? What? What?” and then it’s 8 months later and you’ve spent all your money on tickets and jerseys.